I know this is the first blog in a long time, but my life has been turned upside-down in recent months. I have been avoiding blogging lately, afraid of what might come to light when I did finally decide to pour my heart out on this page.

I suppose I'll start at the beginning and we'll see where this all ends up:

My last blog was July 22nd, right after we found out we were expecting a baby. Since then we have celebrated many pregnancy milestones - the heartbeat, the first ultrasound, picking names, finding out gender, and feeling kicks. All of these moments live so vividly in my mind, sometimes I almost forget what has transpired since then. But before I get into that, I'm feeling more like remembering all the good first.

The first heartbeat; that was a crazy day. The nurse couldn't find it, and neither could the doctor. So our first heartbeat day also was our first ultrasound day. Seeing that little baby rolling and waving and wiggling about was incredible. To think that God had chosen me to carry that child into existence was amazing to me - and I thank Him still every day for that opportunity.

Names... oh, boy. That was an ongoing process even before we became pregnant! It was always "How about this one?" and then "Nope, that one's no good". It took much persuasion on both sides to finally come to an agreement, but once we did, it was just perfect.

"It's a girl!" That is one of the coolest things to hear (especially when you thought it was a boy the whole time but was secretly hoping for a little girl). Look out pinkness and flowerdom, here we come-a-shopping! It was so fun looking for crib sets too, trying to find the perfect theme for my little "Monkey".

Oh, and that night Kyle first got to feel her move. I am so very, very thankful for that night! She would always be wiggling around, and I'd have my hand there and she'd kick me or punch my palm. But as soon as Daddy's hand was there - oh, no! There was no showing off for her father! But she did eventually give in to my begging and gave her Daddy a teeny tiny beating.

Those memories just flood my mind as I write all this out. Such joy we had; such incredible happiness the good Lord bestowed upon us. But in an instant, everything changed.

Things just weren't feeling right on a Tuesday at work. I called a couple nurses who assured me all was well and to basically deal with it. But call it mother's intuition - I knew something wasn't right. So I called my doctors nurse Wednesday morning and set up an appointment for that afternoon. Now, to spare you all the icky details, I'll skip ahead to the diagnosis: I was 22 weeks along and my water broke. Any of you out there that's ever had a child or knows someone who has, knows that water breaking that early is NOT a good sign. Ever.

So I was admitted to the hospital, told everything was going downhill, and basically left to see when my body would attempt to deliver a baby too small to survive. We managed through an awful night, but with so much support around us, we made it through - with the baby still inside. We were moved to another area to wait it out - and miraculously, things seemed to be improving. My parents had made it to Missouri to be with us, and they never left my side.

In five short days, my hopes had been dashed to the ground that first night, only to be gingerly picked up again and dusted off. And in that five short days, someone decided to take my hopes that had been set so neatly on a shelf and throw a baseball into them and break them into a million and a half tiny bits.

I lost my daughter the evening of November 15th, 2010. Her heartbeat had stopped, and I could feel the emptiness creeping into my own heart for her. I screamed and screamed and cried and cried, and then I did it all over again. I couldn't believe what was happening. Everything was looking so good! She was healthy and strong and my symptoms were dissapating - but then in a single, awful, heart-breaking moment, she was just gone.

I will never in this carnal life understand why she was taken from us. I will never be able to completely come to terms with her loss. I will always hold her memory close, as I push the doubt and the blame and the terrifying feeling of an empty heart to the back. But we know that God gave us those weeks with her for a reason that we can't comprehend right now. I had said to our pastor at one point, "Why would He wait five days to take her? Why didn't He just do it and get it over with?" I could sit here all day and conjure up a multitude of ways in which God could've handled things differently - as if I am in any position to tell Him what to do. But the conclusion that we have settled upon, was that He not only gave us all a new appreciation for life, no matter how small and short it may be, but also so she could meet her grandparents. My mom and dad both got to feel her move AND hear her hearbeat before she left this earth. And trust me - that is a big deal.

Now that the ashes of this great atomic bomb in the middle of my existence has begun to settle, I ask myself this question: What was God trying to tell me? What point was He trying to get across - and what do I do about it now?

"You are not in control - of anything." Anyone who knows me knows that control issues have always plagued me. I must be the master of my own domain. But maybe He is using this heartbreak as a tool to kick me off my high horse and bring me back to earth.

"Life is a gift and you should treasure it always." I don't think for a second that I cherished my daughter's life less than I should have. But I know that now, even more than before, I hold extremely strong feelings about abortion and the general lack of respect for the human life. As Dr. Suess put it, "A person's a person, no matter how small."

I also think that God has given me a gift in all this mess - a gift to give back to others in a multitude of ways. I can be an understanding ear for those who've experienced the same. I can make blankets for the hospital like the one that was given to me and my little girl. I can be a light of strength and faith to those who have none... I can point the way to a much greater life than the one here on earth.

I will have days like today, that all I can think about is her tiny little feet kicking me in her tiny little ninja way. How she had not only my big nose, but my funny looking feet. How she had her Daddy's cute little ears and how her hands were so perfect. How her name just fit her like it was decided on well before we found it.

I have days that all I want to do is curl up in bed with her blanket and her tiny urn and cry myself into oblivion. I have days that I don't go into her room with the crib and the carseat and the closet full of pinkness and flowerdom. I want to have another baby, but I don't want to feel like I'm replacing her in any way. I have days that the flashbacks of that night we lost her haunt me like nightmares and send me into a stupor of sadness.

But I also have days that I sit for hours crocheting baby blankets to take to the hospital and bless other moms. I have days that I go into her room and daydream about the day that we'll fill it up with toys for her little brother or sister. I kiss my husband and fantasize about watching him play with our children and teaching them little things everyday. I know I will have the chance again to attack pinkness and flowerdom again (or possible bluedom and dinosaurness?). And I have days that I just sit and think about all the wonderful experiences that Kyle and I went through - together.

The good days now outweigh the bad. The positive memories overshadow the negative ones. I have since swept up the shards of my badly broken hope and placed them in a box to keep them together so I may one day put them back together again.

So today I say - let's break out the superglue! In memory of my daughter

Auralia Noel Mansfield

November 16th, 2010 7:43am

13 ounces, 11.25 inches long

The Adventure Begins

So, here I am at the computer, sitting cross-legged on my chair in my newest set of Eeyore pajamas, thinking about how my life has changed in the last week or so.
Sunday, July 11th, we decided to pee on a stick - and thanks to our fancy digital pregnancy test, got to read "Pregnant" on the little screen. We had been pretty sure that I was preggo for a few days, so the test was only a confirmation of all that we were hoping for.

Yes, we were trying. Our little surprise wasn't really much of a surprise to us since we'd been talking about it and doing the "work" to try to make it happen. So it was almost a normal day, aside from the fact that I had several phone calls to plan on making and a few symptoms that I don't normally deal with.

Excited? Definitely.

Nervous? Yep.

Scared? Oh, yeah.

But I know that the pain and the stress and the planning and everything else that goes along with becoming a mommy is the wonderful price I am willing to pay to do my God-given duty. I will enjoy every waking (and sleeping) moment of this pregnancy, and I will thank God every day for this incredible gift that I absolutely do not deserve.

Have you ever thought about it that way?

God pulled Adam out of the muck and Eve out of his side - and He could have done it again and again and again for each and every one of us. But instead, He gave us women the amazing responsibility to carry each child within from conception to birth and beyond. He didn't have to start the rest of us out as babies - but He did. I will never say that I understand why He does as He does, but I will revel in the position He's held for me as long or as often as He sees fit.

So welcome to our crazy world, my child! Prepare your little heart now for the silly songs and big hugs and joyful laughter that is sure to follow you from now on.

And praise the good Lord that he planted you where you are going to be most loved!!

Family

FAMILY . . .

Though the definitions have become varied over time, and the perception of it sometimes skewed, the feeling within one remains constant. There is much to be said about families - big ones, small ones, mixed ones, messed-up ones - all different yet very much the same.

I couldn't tell you how many times I've been asked the "when are you two going to have babies?" question since Kyle and I got married. Everyone seems to think that we have to have children in order to be a family, that kids are the key to unlock your happy future. I don't neccessarily disagree with the fact that children do make up a large portion of the "traditional family", I just would like to clarify one thing:

We are already a family! The moment Kyle and I said "I do" we were officially a family - and we haven't stopped growing since. Although we are planning to add human children to the mix, I'd like to introduce you to my "kids":

First was Natalie, a mega-fluffy paperwieght that first served as a "comfort creature" - so I wouldn't be afraid of my empty home.

Shortly after came Tiffanie, a curious little fireball covered in multi-colored tabby-striped patches.

A couple years later, our move from Colorado to Missouri opened doors to a whole new set of adoptions. We took in Kit, a big, fluffy, lovey kitty that was already four years old.


Then the dogs: Quincie and Callie. Two little trouble makers that have taught us more than we ever thought we could learn from canines.


And finally, the newest additions, Charlie and Stephanie. Given to us by the local stray, these two out of a litter of five became permanent members of our little zoo.


My thought is this:

A family is not just its members, but it is love. An embodiment of love that you can never replace or erase.
And it doesn't matter if that love is four-legged or covered in fur or scratches up the door jambs - it is still love.

And will always be my FAMILY.

Obsession

I've been called many things: nuts, crazy, weird, strange, etc. I wear each of these labels with pride, but I can say that there is one adjective that is my favorite to hear:

OBSESSED.

I'm sure you had recently read about my Eeyore "problem" and had that image at the forefront of your mind when you read that particular word. Here, let's have some fun and do it again:

OBSESSED.

See Eeyore again? Good, but you get extra points if you had another one of my obsessions in mind. If you know me, I'm sure there's the start of a small list in your head - if you don't, well, let me enlighten you.

The definition of the word obsessed is this: the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc. I have an issue with keeping things on a small scale. If I'm interested in something, then I like it. If I like it, then I love it. If I love it, then I obsess about it and think about it all the time and have forty-seven thousand of them.

I'm sure you can understand that, right? Right? C'mon - I can't be the only one!

I obsess over many things. Some silly, like Eeyore and my cats and Joe Flanigan from Stargate Atlantis. Some are practical (somewhat), like chapstick and pens and Ted Dekker books. And yet some are real, special things that touch me in ways material items never can.

Quotes from famous (and not-so-famous) people,

Learning how to love my husband in new ways everyday,

Music from a budding pianist,

The way something I've made can change someone's day,

Working my camera to capture that one special moment . . .

All these things are constant obsessions of mine. Some come and go in spurts, some have stuck solid to show up in my mind everyday. But contrary to popular belief, my obessing is not such a terrible thing.

My favorite author, wrote this in his novel titled Obsessed:

"I'm not sure some wouldn't risk their lives for a particular obsession. Which isn't all that crazy. Some ideas are actually worth dying for . . . life is hardly worth living without an obsession. God Himself is obsessed . . . with his creation, with humans, with the love of humans. You think He created with such nonchalance? 'Let's throw some mud against the sky and see if any of it sticks?' Not a chance . . . we are created for love, for obsession." - Ted Dekker

Some folks out there think my obsessions are odd and unhealthy, but I've decided that they're only practice for the one obsession that truly matters - the love God has for us and the love that we should show for Him.

Think about that for a moment, and then ask yourself:

Are you obsessed?

(If you're not - you should be!)

My Little Blue Buddy

You all have been dragged into my little world far too slowly, I think.

I do believe that it is finally that time in our blogger/bloggee relationship that I show you the pivitol material joy in my life - Eeyore.

Those that know me already have experienced that corner of my heart that is piled high with items expressing my love of this little character. Those that don't know this already: Be prepared!

I'm not completely positive about the trigger for this adorable obsession, all I know is it began to get scary somewhere around the time I got my 1999 Volkswagen Beetle and my aunt tinted Eeyore in both side windows. I already had some Eeyores in my budding collection and I suppose it just kind of snowballed from then on. This is what my husband saw the day he asked me out:

I had a total of 17 plush donkeys in my Beetle at one time - it's a wonder Kyle ever made it past hello!

I know, I know - I'm nuts. But I just can't seem to help myself! I have truly fallen in love with Eeyore's gloomy outlook on life. People always tell me that he's "emo" and he's "always depressed", but I don't see it that way. I see it as a perspective that is different from the one I seem to have on a day to day basis - and I think sometimes it's good to see life from someone else's view, even if it's only a character from a 1920's childrens book series. As pessimistic as he may seem, some of my favorite quotes came from his angle on life.

"I can't complain. I have my friends. Someone spoke to me only yesterday." - Eeyore

"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them." - Eeyore

You now know that I love him and a small amount of why I do. The rest of the "why" is simply this: He is adorable! That's really what the bulk of my "problem" boils down to: the pure cuteness of anything that has Eeyore on it. I've come to decide that the reason for the sheer size of my collection is that I am also obsessed with being an individual. Not the dye-my-hair-pink-so-people-see-me kind of individuality, but the kind that allows me to stand out in my own little quirky ways. I know that Eeyore is a rather popular character, so in order to stand out among other Eeyore enthusiasts I feel the need to take my collection to the extreme. Here, let me enlighten you:

31 Purses * 11 Ornaments * 19 Figures * 4 Cross-Stitch kits * 2 Journals * 2 Blankets * 12 Mugs * 4 Wallets * 9 Pens * 5 Pencils * 7 Keychains * 17 Watches * 3 Pillows * 7 Dixie Cups * 7 Bottlecaps * 6 Necklaces * 7 Iron-on Patches * 1 Bobblehead * 1 Pair of Shoes * 1 Marble * 1 Music Box * 1 iPod Cover * 1 Kids Cup * 1 Scarf * 2 Yo-yos * 1 Kids Toothbrush * 1 Alarm Clock * 1 Sprinkles * 1 Kleenex Box

That is only a small portion of the list that I've made. Yes, all of those numbers are correct - I counted. On top of this small list, you must also consider my 150 plush Eeyores, an untold number of pajamas, shirts, and socks, several pairs of underwear (yes, adult sizes!) and my newest and most permanent addition, my tattoo.

Arguably my biggest Eeyore investment, I chose to have his tail forever etched on my shoulder. I didn't want the whole character, for the simple reason that any Eeyore tattoos I'd ever seen had been the same. I had to be different. I had many people tell me that I'll regret it - "You won't love Eeyore forever!" they'd say.

They obviously didn't know me very well!

So, whenever you're feeling the world has gone mad, remember this:

"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them." - Eeyore

Not everyone is like you. Not everyone is like them. Not everyone is a "weed" that grew up in front of you just to be an irritant. Even dandelions are flowers if you take a moment to really think about it.

Everyone around you deserves a chance to be considered a flower - so take the time to "get to know them"!

The Power of Words

So I've had my blog up for about, what, two weeks now? I've already had over 100 visits to my page and have had several comments about the words I had written. I can tell I've made someone feel special, I've made someone think a little more, and I had to have made someone laugh at my video of the giraffe feeding!

All of this because of words. The written (and spoken) word can do so many things - it can encourage people, it can lift spirits, it can make you smile, and it can make you think. It can infuriate you, it can make you want to cry, it can make you curl up in a ball and never want to attempt anything ever again.

Words. Just like the ones I'm currently typing (and you are currently reading), there are words everywhere. You can't escape them, our eyes are drawn to them - whether on a cereal box, a billboard, or someone's favorite T-shirt. I have come to the realization that words are everywhere - but not everyone knows how to use them properly.

And by "properly" I don't mean correct grammar. Have you ever heard a person say something demoralizing or rude and not even seem to realize or care that they did? Have you ever read a paragraph and know that you probably wouldn't want that person to be your friend because of what was written? I have heard and read such things - and I ashamedly admit that I have said and written such things as well. I'm sure we all have.

Let me share a verse from my favorite version of the Bible, The Message. It seems to say it the best:

"A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish anything - or destroy it!
It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell." -James 3:3-6

We must remember the power of words - written or spoken.

They can cause the worst kind of feelings . . . they can also be the reason for some of the best emotions imaginable.

Have you ever had someone tell you that you inspired them? Has anyone ever written you a thank-you card so thoughtfully it made you want to do that for everyone? Has anyone ever told the world that you matter and that you're special? Has anyone ever called you a friend? It was awesome, wasn't it?

So, as I sign off for today, I want this to be written on the billboards of my little corner of cyberspace:

No matter how small, no matter how big - words are a very powerful thing. Do you want to be one of those people who abuse that power? Or would you rather harness it and change people with it? You decide - they're your words.

Talking with Talent

Have you ever felt touched by something so deeply that you can feel it's effects reverberate through every facet of your personal existence?

I most surely have.

What I'd like to talk about today is my personal brush with incredible talent. Yes, talented people surround me; at work, at home, in my family - you can locate talent just about anywhere if you're looking hard enough for it. But one encounter has been standing out rather prominently in my heart as of late.

His talent is the piano - his name is Quentin Fielding.

I was going through my daily routine of checking my email and Facebook account, when I noticed a friend request from an unknown person. In most cases, I will ignore such requests if the name or face is an unfamiliar one. But, for some reason, I chose to open the message that was jotted there - and was intrigued by what I read.

A simple memo, it only stated that he had noticed my interest in Jim Brickman (a famous concert pianist I thoroughly enjoy) and thought I might like his style of piano as well.

I'm not going to draw this story out any more than that - let it suffice to say that I fell in love with Quentin's piano solos immediately and bought his album that night. I have been listening to it over and over and over and . . . well, you get the idea.

Not being a musician myself, I had never really imagined that one could compose notes on a page in such a way that it cuts through the walls that you had built around your heart to stir emotions you'd forgotten you had. I do believe his music affected emotions there that don't even have names yet because of their rarity.

I suppose it isn't only the notes in Quentin Fielding's compositions, but his heart in conversation that inspires me as well. He has sent me messages on Facebook - not the typical form-letter "thanks for the support" type responses that you get from those talented people that have let their fame get the best of them - but real, honest thank-yous and grateful comments. I truly believe that he wasn't just trying to promote his debut album to the world - I can tell that he really wants to touch people in ways that I can't quite comprehend. This talented musician took time out of his crazy busy life to talk to someone like me.

This is amazing to me. To find such talent that is willing to make his fans feel like they have a reason to be his fans is rare indeed. I could only hope to do a fraction of what he's done for me - to inspire as he's inspired would be truly wonderful.

So, in the midst of all my rambling ponderings, my soul sings as I consider this wonderful gift the good Lord has given this pianist - and also to me.

Now, in closing I would like to pose this thought:

If you have such a priviledge to come face to face (or Facebook to Facebook) with a talented person such as Quentin - don't hesitate to tell them how you feel about that talent. Tell them that they've touched you, and be specific! I believe someone who touches lives like that deserves to know.

And if you are that talented person, remember this one thing: Don't leave that which you've inspired to wither away. Follow Quentin Fielding's example and let the world know that you appreciate them just as they appreciate you.

This world could use a little more of that, don't you think?

www.quentinfielding.com

If you'd like to know a taste of this talent, visit Quentin Fielding's website and just pause for a moment and let the notes take you away.